It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
