Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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