Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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