I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
