Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
