You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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