i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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