not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
