dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Found the puke drawer
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
