Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
