oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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