He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
