There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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