I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
