well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
