my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
