Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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