I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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