This is not my ceiling
wanna go halves on a baby?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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