Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize