I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
