i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
