I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
