She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I fill condoms, not promises.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Randomize
