When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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