he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
