and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
