M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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