Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
