I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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