I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
where are you?
Hypothermia
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
