If that was your dad, he is hot
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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