I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
