she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
