Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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