I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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