I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
