I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
