I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize