go do what you do best...puke behind churches
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
