I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm just crazy horny about you
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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