HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize