I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
