Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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