He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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