insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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