her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
