Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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