He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
