The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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