dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
