I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
