I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
