She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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