SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
