so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
