How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
