Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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