Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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