soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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