Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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