I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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