lets start a swedish sibling band together
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize